I Will Never Be The Same
by Fiona Penguin
Summary: Based on the song I Will Never Be The Same, by Melissa Etheridge. I've always loved that song since I first watched Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael.This story shows the day when Clark has to leave Lois in order to fulfill his destiny.


**I Will Never Be The Same**

_So you walked with me for a while_

Bared your naked soul 

_And you told me of your plan_

_How you would never let them know_

_In the morning of the night_

_You cried a long lost child_

_And I tried on I tried to hold you_

_But you were young_

_And wild_

Lois woke up and saw the man beside her in bed asleep; he pressed the pillow against his face so hard sometimes his lips would part and he would drool all over it. She always yelled at him and called him gross whenever it happened, but she actually thought it was cute. It made him look like a boy; a sweet, caring, big boy who needed her so much as she needed him. This time he wasn't drooling, but his lips were curved in a way that made him look like a blowfish. She smiled and ran her fingers down his face to his back, following the lines that defined his muscles. When she saw him shudder slightly, she took her hand away and mentally snapped herself for almost waking him up. He deserved to rest, it'd been a long night that one. Actually, since he came back from the caves two months ago telling that lame story about joining the army and that he should be ready to leave immediately whenever he was cast, nights were all long and steamy. Not that she believed that crappy story, but the feel of 'last night together' has worked wonders for them in bed.

It has worked wonders for their relationship in general too. Since that day, Clark's been so worried about making everybody happy all the time. He never kept one single emotion to himself again; he said he loved her, Martha and everyone else important as much as he could. He would take her to different places every weekend, set up picnics whenever they had free mornings, and decorate the barn with candles and twinkle lights almost everyday, using the excuse that he wanted to build the biggest possible amount of memories to take with him. He had even thrown a party for no reason but _'to see all his friends together'_. He wanted to enjoy the life he had fully while he still had it, that's what he said.

Her mind traveled back to the day when he told her about Ryan, the kid he kept in his soul as a little brother. She could tell his death was still hard on him even after all those years. Lois always remembered one night when she found Clark crying in the middle of the night, after he found an old Warrior Angel comic book. And he spoke of the moments he spent with that kid with so much tenderness in his eyes. That was when he made his first promise: _"I want our first boy to be named Ryan. Do you mind? – Don't worry, we'll have a girl too and I promise you'll get to pick her name all by yourself." _That was the first of so many others. Every time they talked about the future, he made it feel more like a promise than an actual plan. Lois trembled inside, thinking of the possibility that he could really leave someday. She got up from bed and went to take a shower. When Clark woke up they would have to talk, and she needed to be relaxed for that moment.

_But I, I will never be the same_

_Oh I, I will never be the same_

_Caught in your eyes_

_Lost in your name_

_I will never be the same_

The click of the doorknob closing made Clark wake up. He could sleep through thunderstorms, but the softest sound could wake him if it had any relation to Lois getting distant from him. He sat on bed and ran a hand through his hair, following his daily routine of reliving that day in the fortress when Jor-El told him that the time for his training was about to come and that he should get there immediately whenever he was called to the Fortress again. His father only forgot mentioning how long would it take. He said it'd be soon, but it had been two months now and nothing happened. Not that he complained – he wasn't anxious to leave his home and specially his girlfriend at all – but the anticipation was killing him. He was too afraid that he would end up forgetting about the training and then Jor-El would call him at the worst possible moment.

He laughed when he heard Lois's voice coming from the shower:

'_Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep_

_Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep_

_But I made up my mind; I'm keeping my baby, oh_

_I'm gonna keep my baby, mmm...'_

She sang like a magpie, but he loved it anyway. Singing meant she was happy, and that topped the health of his ears. Life had been so amazing for that last couple of months it pained to imagine letting it go. Even though Lois always said she didn't believe him, he made his best to load her heart with good memories, because someday he would leave and he knew she would be as devastated if not more than him. Of course she'd have an additional amount of confusion for not knowing exactly where he was, but he couldn't help it. He thought one million times of telling her the truth, he didn't remember anymore how many times he decorated the barn and prepared the perfect mood to reveal his secret, but fear always made him give up. Clark wasn't afraid of her reaction or even of putting her at risk – he knew she was above all that – his fear was actually a lot more selfish. Telling her his secret would demand some time for her to process the information and forgive him for not telling it before, then making up and rebuilding their relationship; and he didn't know if he'd have that long. Life felt perfect the way it was at that moment; he couldn't risk leaving in a moment when she was in doubt about their love. He'd tell her everything when he got back. Then they'd have time to work it all out.

He stood up and walked to join Lois on her shower, but a stringing noise filled his ears. It was so loud he could barely stay on his feet. Now was the time, Jor-El was calling.

-----

_Secrets of your life_

_I never wanted for myself_

_But you guarded them like a lie_

_Placed up on the highest shelf_

_In the morning of the night_

_When I woke to find you gone_

_I knew your distant devil_

_Must be draggin' you along_

Lois opened the bedroom door with a big smile on her face, but it was empty. On the place where Clark's head lied minutes ago, was a little peace of paper, which said: _'Had to go. Love you. Wait for me.'_

The world spun in front of Lois's eyes, nothing else made sense. She felt dizzy and dropped herself on bed before she would faint. How could that bastard leave like that, not even having the dignity to say good-bye? She knew the army story was a lie, she checked it with her father, but life felt so good she never bothered pushing him to tell the truth. She actually never believed he would really go.

He warned her so many times, why was she so stupid? And why didn't he tell her the truth? What was going on for Christ sake? _'Too late for those questions, Lane. Now he's already gone.'_

The only reason she could think of for him to leave like that was that he was doing something wrong. She didn't know what it was, or how a boy scout like him would do anything illegal, but she knew it wasn't good. Anything that took him away from her like that couldn't be good. He couldn't have left her like that, not right now…

She cursed at his name and screamed with all the strength of her lungs. Half the room was shattered to pieces when she finally rested and let herself cry, holding tight to the pillow that carried his scent. She remained like that for hours, until her anger finally eased and acceptance stroke her. She didn't know how long he'd be gone, but she knew she had to be strong and go on.

_And you swore that you were bound for glory_

_And for wanting you had no shame_

_But I loved you_

_And then I lost you_

_And I will never be the same_

She stood up and walked to the window, watching the clouds moving fast, carried by the strong winds. Glancing at the sky, she caressed her womb and spoke to the stars: "You better keep your part of that promise Clark, 'cause I'm keeping mine." Then she looked down at her belly and smiled faintly: "We're keeping our promise, right Ryan?"

_Oh I, I will never be the same_

_Caught in your eyes_

_Lost in your name_

_I will never be the same…_


End file.
